Sweet Dreams Are Made of This

by Stefani on 26-August-2008

I woke up a little sad this morning. 

I couldn't remember the dream, all I knew was that it was so sweet that I really hadn't wanted it to end. 

I walked around the kitchen, numbly putting on the coffee, staring out the kitchen window. 

Wondering…. "What sort of dream could possibly have left this hole in my heart? What was it that I had in my dream life that feels so absent in this one?" 

I just could not shake this lingering feeling of loss, as though I had been ripped away from something so precious, something I couldn't even name, but knew I'd never have again. 

And then my littlest man woke up. He curled up in my lap, warm with sleep and generous with kisses. He was still, for what I know will be short lived seconds. I am, everyday, so grateful for our quiet morning snuggles. I am aware too, each time, how his little body is growing bigger, that it takes up more of my lap. 

And then I remembered. 

I had dreamt that he was a baby again.

I had been holding him, curled into a little half moon, pressed up against me. He was laughing in my dream, that sweet baby laugh that shakes their whole little selves. It came flooding back, the soft little baby gown he wore, and how I had rubbed my cheek against his and whispered that I loved him.

For a moment, I had held my baby again. And then he was gone, in the blink of an eye. 

So Fast

elissa August 26, 2008 at 5:49 am

SIGH. why is that babydom so fleeting?? this is why people end up with 6 kids. not ME, just you know, people. 😉 i am so glad i currently have 4 pregnant friends… whew.

Amy August 26, 2008 at 6:12 am

That is so sweet and sad. I had a similar dream last night. Then I woke up and my little nursling was there, she is like a symbiote when sleeping. Thanks for the reminder to enjoy the present.

Liz August 26, 2008 at 6:26 am

Okay, made me cry.

jenny August 26, 2008 at 6:42 am

This post just makes me appreciate my 7 week old baby even more. Such a lovely post. Thank you for this.

Baba August 26, 2008 at 7:36 am

So true, they grow so fast. Just wait till they leave home. But they are always your babies.

Jody August 26, 2008 at 7:45 am

Tears…too many tears to write.

Cassandra August 26, 2008 at 7:52 am

There was a time that I thought I’d only want 2 children. I was from a 2 child household. And then my folks adopted my 3 cousins, so now I have 4 siblings and could be happier. My mother in law had 6. She once said to me, “I loved babies so much that I had 6.” I can totally feel that now. I won’t have 6, but there’s no way I’m stopping at 2…

Linn August 26, 2008 at 7:55 am

Yes, those baby days seem so sweet in retrospect. I think I’m a little too close to the baby days to yearn for them again yet, though. Regarding your picture: I must make my sons some capes immediately.

melissa s. August 26, 2008 at 7:56 am

sweet indeed.

Lisa Clarke August 26, 2008 at 8:03 am

My littlest is five, and has decided he doesn’t like kisses anymore. I’m glad he still enjoys a good snuggle, but how long before he declares that off-limits, too? *sigh* Not long enough, as far as I’m concerned.

There’s just nothing like cozying up to a sweet little bundle, is there?

Julie @ Letter9 August 26, 2008 at 8:07 am

Oh. My little boy just discovered how to give kisses — these big open-mouthed things — and I’m already trying to get him to give them to me all the time because I know it won’t be long before he learns to pucker his lips and then not so long after that before he stops kissing me so much. Oh dear.

Gonzomama August 26, 2008 at 8:26 am

I have just over a month to go before baby #2 arrives (baby #1 just turned 2 on Sunday) and I don’t know if it’s hormones or what but your posts lately have had me quite teary eyed (in a good way).
Perfect picture to go with your beautiful words.

The Mommy August 26, 2008 at 8:37 am

How beautiful. Thank you so much for sharing that!I’ve got a tiny one pressed against m right now…just drifted off into sleep after nursing. She feels so good, and I’m loathe to lay her down even though typing with one hand is excruciatingly slow!

Lisa@The Cutting Edge of Ordinary August 26, 2008 at 9:11 am

I had one of those feeling this morning when my 2 left for Junior High and I was asked not to go to the bus stop “Mom – Please don’t!”.

It aches my heart watching them grow so fast.

erin August 26, 2008 at 10:39 am

sniff sniff…this is so sweet.

Teresa August 26, 2008 at 10:55 am

Beautiful! My first child grew so slowly, it seemed. I could watch her every step. But my second one, he is growing up in a blink of an eye!

Jennifer August 26, 2008 at 11:14 am

I think we’re all crying those tears that only a mother knows. My littlest is still a baby, but I know how fleeting those snuggly days are. And I cherish them. He’s such a good baby, I sometimes secretly wish he would stay little!

caroline August 26, 2008 at 11:34 am

Oh, I totally feel your pain. My eyes are pretty misty just now!

But I’m having a give-away of something that’s so dang cute, it’s sure to make you feel better! Stop on by.

Brittany August 26, 2008 at 1:33 pm

As always, you remind me to cherish the fleeting moments with my children. Thank you.

Kristi August 26, 2008 at 1:36 pm

goosebumps! I love morning snuggles. I wish I more awake when she came to give them to me.

jen August 26, 2008 at 2:54 pm

i know its so cliche to say… but they do grow up too too fast!

emily ruth August 26, 2008 at 3:14 pm

you’ve got me misting up, my dear…so so sweet…my little guy is four & he’s been asking me to tell stories about when he was a baby & i can hardly choke them out without bawling…such dear memories

Pollyanna August 26, 2008 at 3:26 pm

Every day I can’t wait to see what imagery you write about. So pretty and from the heart. I can always feel what you are saying.

Sweet sweet words…and even sweeter meanings.

SpiderWomanKnits August 26, 2008 at 5:40 pm

This post just touches to the core of motherhood in such a bittersweet way.

Just beautiful…

Lisa Kirker August 26, 2008 at 6:06 pm

I read this while holding my 9 month old. I quickly walked away from the laptop and instead of “multi-tasking”, lived in the moment and enjoyed the snuggle. I know it will be gone before I know it. Thank you!


YayaOrchid August 26, 2008 at 6:22 pm

Oh, my goodness! Woman, you sure can write!! You tore the words right out of my heart! I was there, where you are right now, with my little ones growing so fast I could hardly believe it. Now they are 30 and 21. How time does fly.

Mary Smith August 26, 2008 at 7:21 pm

Stefani, you are making my heart mooshy with these touching posts. I have those moments too, only I still have a toddler baby. I kiss his baby cheeks and have a moment where I realize that this moment will be gone so fast. There, it’s gone already.

I’m going to print out your last post and bring it to my staff and make copies for my friends.

Relyn August 26, 2008 at 7:44 pm

When Sloane was a baby she made this little noise, a cross between a moan, a gurgle, and a suck. She only made it when she was very, very tired. I have missed that sound a thousand times. Last night when I went in to check on her before going to bed myself, I heard it again. Oh, the sweet memories. Now, if I could only have a dream like yours.

katiemae August 26, 2008 at 9:15 pm

thank you for sharing these sweet sweet words in such a beautiful post. this hits me deep …and now I am going to snuggle with my five year old once more tonight before she falls asleep.

Molly August 27, 2008 at 1:16 pm

i should know better than to read you when I’m feeling a bit fragile. Now you’ve done it; brought me to tears today. In a good way. A really good way.

Lynn August 28, 2008 at 6:47 am

Yep, fleeting. My last was born after a 12 year gap. I knew her infancy would go fast. I tried to hang on to every moment knowing the speed they grow. She is three…

hanna August 28, 2008 at 1:58 pm

you made me all goosebumpy.

Grace August 29, 2008 at 7:17 am

scuse me while i go cry 10 gallons.

Sasha September 4, 2008 at 11:47 am

About a month before I left my dear friends in MN, one of them sent me a link to your blog. She knew how much I loved my small town/country life and all the values of having friends and family nearby. Now living in NYC for my husband to attend Columbia, I cry every time I read your blog–it is so bittersweet to remember and long for the kind of life you describe. I am inspired by your life and faith and hope to pass on even a fraction of that to our 2-yr.-old son. I don’t know why I want so desperately for him to remember what it was like to run barefoot through the gardens in our backyard, but I think perhaps you understand. Thank you for giving of your time, talent and life–it reminds me that life can be sweet if we choose to view it as such.

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