by Stefani on 27-May-2009

"There is nothing in a caterpillar that tells you it's going to become a butterfly"
– R. Buckminster Fuller


With each son, from the very moment I knew of his existence, I began wondering who he would become. 

Would he be serious or easy to smile? Would he like books or bugs or both? Would he prefer salty or sweet? Would he have his Daddy's blue eyes? 

As they grow I feel like I see little glimpses of who they are becoming – one is an old-fashioned kind of guy, passionate about animals, nature and sports; another is full of ideas, loves to build and take apart, and is fascinated by the underwater world; the other is brave, driven, full of spit and swagger, a warrior with a lover's heart. 
I spend a lot of time wondering how these things will come together to make up the men that they will be – much the way I used to lie in bed at night and wonder who I would be. 

I have a feeling that my imaginings of who they will become are no closer to the fullness of the men in my future then my dreams of who *I* would become were. 

Thankfully, we aren't like the (many many MANY) caterpillars that are taking up temporary residence in my oldest boy's "Insectary." We don't do our becoming in one fell swoop. We don't go to bed a child and wake up an adult. 

And we aren't done becoming even when we are adults. 
At this moment, with this breath, I am, we are, becoming…. it's anyone's guess what. 
They are becoming their own… with thoughts and plans, dreams and desires that are theirs and theirs alone. 


I am becoming a little braver, more at ease, a little softer and grayer and more full with the knowledge that it's the journey and not the destination, it's the becoming and not the "became" that's the best part of being. 

Holly May 27, 2009 at 8:10 am

Well put. I find myself amazed; I think I know DS so well and yet there are always surprises unfolding.

amyt May 27, 2009 at 8:14 am

gorgeous. as usual over here. You think like me. LOVE!

Kelly May 27, 2009 at 8:14 am

Beautifully written once again. Thank you!

Carrie May 27, 2009 at 8:18 am

Oh the journey! It’s so very sweet isn’t it? Process, not product. . . love it.
That last photo is genius. Thanks for your beautiful words!

Amber May 27, 2009 at 9:25 am

That is so well put. I needed the reminder right now. It’s not a destination, it’s a journey.

Samantha May 27, 2009 at 9:39 am

I love that. Much for me to think about now.

mommycoddle May 27, 2009 at 10:10 am

there is so much goodness in this post.

but this has to be my favorite line (of many):

“full of spit and swagger, a warrior with a lover’s heart.”

Marci@OvercomingBusy May 27, 2009 at 10:33 am

so beautiful. i am watching my little man in the sandbox with more trucks than sand making his own world come alive. he pauses to trap an invading insect. i didn’t realize until i read this that i am watching him become. thank you!

Stefani May 27, 2009 at 11:13 am

Aw thanks! It is awfully hard to describe that boy… he really is such a manly, rugged, tough guy – very much a warrior, ready for battle at all times, eager to defend. When we go on hikes he tells me that he’ll protect me if we encounter a bear… and he believes that with all his heart.
But he’s also the most affectionate of the bunch. He says things like, “You are so sweet, it’s like somebody dipped you in honey!” He rubs my hair and tells me he’s gonna take such good care of care of me “when I’m yooo husband.”
He scares me and leaves me in awe all at once. I can easily see him becoming a soldier or one of those guys who moves to a mountain top to live by their wits. He would have made a fine knight or pioneer!.. and yes, I think he’s going to be a pretty good husband for whatever lucky girl gets him. Are we still on for that arranged marriage? 🙂

mommycoddle May 27, 2009 at 11:17 am

Well, I was going to bring up that arranged marriage in my comment, but you know, I didn’t want to get all the other mommas jealous. Yes. I’m already matching up your boys with my girls. 🙂

Illuminated Attic May 27, 2009 at 12:19 pm

Thank you so much, I really needed this today.

Dawn Suzette May 27, 2009 at 12:54 pm

You two are making me smile right now! So adorable you mama’s!

Dawn Suzette May 27, 2009 at 12:57 pm

I love the way you describe your little men! Wonderful visuals in those words!

Andrea May 27, 2009 at 2:15 pm

Stefani, such a beautiful post. I always enjoy your blog (have been reading for more than a year) but this one was especially beautiful and so sweetly written. Thank you so much for sharing!

Carri Lambert May 27, 2009 at 3:09 pm

Oh wow, this post is amazing.

carmen May 27, 2009 at 3:28 pm

beautiful and inspiring. I am with you on process of unfolding both in myself and my children.

earthycraftymommy May 27, 2009 at 7:48 pm

Absolutely beautiful post!

I, too, have been blessed with three incredible boys, and their differences are becoming clearer the older they get. It’s so inspiring to watch them really become individuals, rather than just “one of the boys,” know what I mean?

It’s wonderful how well you know each of your boys…thank you for sharing this with us!!


Sam May 27, 2009 at 9:15 pm

Your posts are always so beautiful and full of wisdom. Somehow they never fail to calm me 🙂

I can’t remember the quote, but it goes something like…”show me the boy at 7, and I will show you the man…” meaning the essence of who we are is already there.

michelle May 28, 2009 at 5:48 am

What a beautiful post. Thank you for that.
I am 36, mother of four, and still figuring out who I am. At 18, I thought I’d know for sure by the time I was 36! I am often surprised when hints of wonder, insecurity, fear, etc., creep into my head. I think we expect grown-ups to be all “grown” up; instead, there is still much growing to do–especially as I am getting older!

tara May 28, 2009 at 6:27 am

It is the becoming… the journey that holds all the magic. Great post.

Julie Alvarez May 28, 2009 at 3:35 pm

Stefani, I guess I will have to read this post each and every morning. I mean it. So enlightening and so supporting to my ownself… Thank you.

Terri June 2, 2009 at 3:37 pm

Came across your blog on a whim tonight. What a beautiful post. Thank you!

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