The Many and Varied Responsibilities of Little Boys

One of the primary responsibilities of young boys (and there are many, many direly important tasks to accomplish when you are a man in the making), is to keep his mother grounded.

For instance, if she sits you down to read to you, one of her all time favorite Christmas stories, “The Littlest Angel,” and she begins to get all choked up and has to stop reading every so often to compose her self and quiet her sniveling, you must nip this behavior in the bud. She has a tendency to get a little sappy and sentimental over this kind of thing.

You have to lighten the mood by saying things like, “Mama that boy is an angel, like the one on our tree! The NAKED ONE!” Your brothers will quickly catch on and come to your assistance by breaking into peels of laughter at the mention of nakedness. This will spur you on, and you will continue to repeat “naked” and “bare po” at intervals throughout the story, whenever the need arises.

This will not only get her clean over her sobbing silliness, it will circumvent any and all planned high falootin’ discussions regarding the theological errors in the story.

Also, on occasion, a boy must remind a certain mother figure who is really in charge ’round these parts.

For instance, when she breaks out the nativity, be on your guard. This is the one that she researched and pondered for months before she finally broke down and bought it. The Fontanini. She’s quite fond of it because it looks like wood or ceramic, but it’s hard polymer, so kids can play with it. Best of all (in her opinion) the baby Jesus is removable, so she can keep it put up until the grand reveal on Christmas morning. Oh brother.

Any boy worth his salt knows that this is complete and utter hogwash. A nativity set that kids can play with, but you can’t have Jesus? How can you play “Weary Wanderers Ride Thomas the Train to Bethlehem” with no Jesus in the barn visited by the three Power Rangers finale?

You’ll show her who’s boss, now won’t you?

You just use your Little People to fill that there gap, brother! Say something real cute like, “There Mama Mary, there’s you baby boy!” and your Mama will melt into a million pieces and give you any little thing your heart desires.

This, friend, is when you hit her up to make cookies.

Works like a charm.