I Once Was Lost

by Stefani on 16-August-2007

Be warned: The following post is very high in poly-unsaturated sarcasm. Studies have shown increased risk of smirking, snorting, sniffing and general snarkiness to be associated with consuming this post. You should consult a doctor before proceeding if you are pregnant, nursing or prone to a highly sarcastic nature yourself.

I had intended, today, to finish up a project to share with you.

You know where that road paved with good intentions leads, right? Yep, it ain’t pretty there.

I gathered up all my crafty supplies and discovered that one essential item was missing. The X-acto knife.

Are you alarmed? Well you should be. A house of three boys, and a missing knife. Now is the time to put EMS on standby.

I interrogated the boys seperately (imagine the naked bulb in the face technique), and they all claim to have never seen such an implement in all their lives, so how could they possibly have touched one? I checked their fingers, and none were crossed, but it is possible that they have collaborated on this story. Hmmm…

I tore the house apart, dug through all the drawers, braved the closets, and still, no knife.

I’ll tell you what I did find:

The Krazy Glue that we’ve been looking for to fix James’ glass lighthouse. His overzealous 2 year old brother surely did not mean to throw it against the wall. Accidental, of course. Happens to me all the time… before I know what has happened, I’ve just bashed something against a wall for no fathomable reason. Uh huh. Right.

I also found not one, not two, but THREE seam rippers. Last week, when I needed one, there was none to be had. Now I have three. Which is okay, I guess, because I use them a lot.

I found tape! Clear scotch tape. Just this past weekend I wrapped a package using masking tape. I let the kids help me wrap it so that I could smile and shrug and talk about what an endearingly horrendous mess the wrapping was.

I found gobs and gobs of scissors. You know why? I found them, at this moment, because I did not NEED them at this moment. When I do, you can be assured that they will have gone missing again. All 42 pairs of them.

And I found something else that I have been fruitlessly looking for. Two, more precious than silver or gold library books. These would be the two books mentioned in a friendly little letter that I got in the mail yesterday. Something to the effect of, “Library patron, you can cough up the ^&%# books or we can send an angry mob toting torches and pitchforks to take the $75 fine out of your arse.”

I was never so excited to see this gorgeous green mug!

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Dear, sweet Lyle.

I now have a two fold plan:

1) Set traps for the pixie, fairy goblin creatures that are clearly having a grand old time misplacing my things for me. Do you suppose that Orkin can spray for such things?

2) Lose something new so that I can look for it and find the X-acto knife instead.

Tomorrow, when it’s time to go somewhere, and my beloved boys cannot find their shoes even though I’ve told them 6,348 times to take them off by the door so that they will know where to find them, I will have to remember to cut them a small break. It’s genetic, I’m afriad.

Sarah Jackson August 16, 2007 at 9:41 pm

Since you’re such a good finder, can you come to my house next? I’m missing some knitting needles, scissors, yarn (how do you misplace a 4 oz skein of yarn? Just because there are 50 others…). I’m sure the kids are to blame for every missing thing. Every one. Oh, and can I borrow a seam ripper? I can’t seem to find mine.

Marjorie August 16, 2007 at 9:49 pm

Hi, I’m a friend of Molly’s… decided to stop “creeping” on your blog. Anyways, you have given me hope – I must face the library tomorrow and I still can’t find that Little Einstein movie that we never even watched! The case, yes.. the disk, no.

Amber August 16, 2007 at 10:58 pm

This was so funny – I was laughing before I got past the intro….I totally agree with your last post too…trying to decide if I’m doing the right thing and then things happen and I realize I’m doing exactly the right thing….haope you find that exacto knife before the boys!!!

Leigh-Ann August 17, 2007 at 4:30 am

as soon as i saw the book… i knew exactly what you’d finally found! 🙂

you know who you are today…THE MOM from MALCOLM in the MIDDLE!! i actually SAW an episode just like your witch hunt yesterday… she used all her FINDS as ammunition against Reese, Malcolm and Dewey (aka: James, Ryder and Luke)! 😉
LA :)))

erin August 17, 2007 at 4:36 am

could you come over to my house? i am missing my brown bathing suit. maybe you’d find an exacto knife instead. 🙂

Heather August 17, 2007 at 5:55 am

Hee hee! The list of “missing” is endless, no?

Sarah August 17, 2007 at 6:19 am

LOL

(I actually don’t like those Lyle books. Jack is too small or something because there are just SO many darn words and he will only sit still for about 12 of them.)

beki August 17, 2007 at 6:31 am

Hee hee!

Debbie August 17, 2007 at 10:02 am

Here’s what I do. Never fails. Purchase a new exacto knife to replace the one that’s hiding out there somewhere. You’ll be sure to find the original within a day or so. Works every time. Just last week, I replaced the oh so necessary rhinestones I had purchased at the scrapbooking store after searching for weeks…you guessed it. Found the original rhinestones. Happy searching!

mom2fur August 17, 2007 at 10:10 am

The comic strip “Family Circus” used to have a little mystery character named “Ida Know.” She was responsible for missing things. “Where did you put my x-acto knife?” “Ida know!”
Weird how you’ll find numerous missing things when looking for something entirely different!

mountain mama August 17, 2007 at 12:52 pm

hee hee hee!! I know JUST what you are feeling!! Loved this post!! Next time I go hunting for that crochet needle, I’ll be thinking of you!

Sarah August 17, 2007 at 3:24 pm

this is hilarious. i’ve totally done that with the “creative” wrapping materials and blaming it on our kids! also i think that we’ve also had a couple letters like yours from the local librarians. congrats on the many treasures found, and good luck on finding your xacto knife. =)

Ellie August 18, 2007 at 4:12 am

I think I really should have taken your advice before reading this post :: nursing mother + too sarcastic in nature. Stefani, I love your writing as its too too too real. This post was wonderful – raising the mundane to an artform. Next time I’m on the hunt for something, I’ll keep my eye out for your knife.

molly August 18, 2007 at 10:49 am

I finally found a wireless connection after hunting for a few days! Extra blog break for me. The seam rippers? I totally relate. Have three, can never find one. Let me know if the pixie trap works, though I’d probably just trap myself.

Vanessa August 19, 2007 at 1:25 pm

I’m going with theory #2. Lose something else. It is my firm belief that those pixies, little thieves that they are, might take your new offering and leave behind that fun knife!!

kirsten August 19, 2007 at 3:51 pm

love this – scotch tape, scissors, and seam rippers are on the top of our ALWAYS lost list!

Nicolle August 21, 2007 at 7:05 pm

oh how I LOVE that book! i have some pictures of it in my flickr stream.

my favorite part “it came as no particular surprise that lyle could high jump..but loretta was surprised. She was terribly surprised!”

yes, i know the book by heart =)

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